6.27.09

WOw.. so tiring.. hhehe actuali planning to cut boyish hairstyle O.o but everyone asked me not to cut.. so.. and then if i cut.. lollipop say he like long hair girl.. so.. and then .. choon hoong say long hair girl is hot.. of coz la.. =.= they long hair ma.. sure hot la.. =.= (bu shuang) im so desperate? lol kinda.. EVERYONE wans me to leave long hair.. then leave lor.. hais.. anything la.. um..

saturday? nth much to do actualli.. but whole afternoon chatting with lollipop.. kinda sian i dunno wat topic to tlak about ..=.= how ah? really dying.. going bad.. =.= i think no hope lor..

and i didnt cut my hair because he like long hair.. wth? i oso got think bout me la.. if i don listen to him.. i wan the way i like.. so how is it? if i really cut.. then he don like me? so y i bother? so wat? but still. i did not take the risk.. O.o

at night.. came back home at 8 gua.. then bro say go watch movie.. i tot we both oni.. then we go ikea 1st.. he eat.. then meet his fren .. his fren oso bring his sis.. but so young.. ok ok la.. then walk lor.. meet another 2 fren at some restaurant.. that my bro best fren keep looking at me =.= trying to hide oso.. this is the 3rd time i met him.. 1st was in prom night, KL tower.. and 2nd is he come to my house to do.. um something to sell.. lol the sis keep on looking at me.. haha anyway .. the whole outing i didnt talk.. LOL.. i always like that de la.. im not bored oso.. then hor.. transformer from 9 to 12am lol.. after that we all go makan.. at ss2 murni.. O.o so suspicious la.. i saw 2 groups from cineleisure watch movie oso then later i saw them at thr eating oso.. y all so gam 1? all go thr somemore.. then when drinks come.. i tot its mine or bro la.. then i take lor.. then my bro ask.. this is ur 1 meh? then i push to him la.. then he say is my 1 meh? then he go push to his fren.. =.= swt.. i dunno ma.. then his fren say.. she tired already is it? LOL.. bro kept quiet and look around.. o.o

Exhausted.

Im trying to hide again. O.o this time.. im trying to shift school O.o im trying to shift back to SMK BU4. but i don think my dad will let.. after telling him about this. O.o i really wanted to but.. sigh.. i think no hope la.. im actuali wanna go back thr to start all over again. as in teachers and homework and study =.= i cant stand my own class and the homeworks is getting more and more until i have tuitions and barely finish it on time u know? and the advantage that is.. i can walk to school. and mum do not need to fetch me everyday from school. and and another thing is.. the class there is not so stressful as in my class now.. its killing me =.= i really don know how to tell my dad about this. O.o

sigh.. im just trying to hide rite? hide away from my school now? =.= i really dunno wat to do besides that.. nothing make it better, i really dunno wat to do.. no one ever guide me.. how ah? i really dunno lehhhhh.. T_T

funny

You have just sent a nudge. *
Gĩߧǿņ™=劫神 says: *halo *eh
~ .:.:. aH Hua .:.:. ~ [He the sunshine] says: *hi *yes?
Gĩߧǿņ™=劫神 says: *friday cnt go training adi *i spraint my leg
~ .:.:. aH Hua .:.:. ~ [He the sunshine] says: *OMG *ok ma? *lol *nice ma? *i wan oso *i never try before T.T
Gĩߧǿņ™=劫神 says: *u siao?
~ .:.:. aH Hua .:.:. ~ [He the sunshine] says: *nope *i wan *try *XD *XP
Gĩߧǿņ™=劫神 says: *i walk walk suddenly leg will pain de-.- *ROFL
~ .:.:. aH Hua .:.:. ~ [He the sunshine] says: *WAAA *SO GOOD *I WAN LEHHHH
Gĩߧǿņ™=劫神 says: *=.=
~ .:.:. aH Hua .:.:. ~ [He the sunshine] says: *how to spraint ur leg 1/ *i wan learn
Gĩߧǿņ™=劫神 says: *zzzz *play basketball landing
~ .:.:. aH Hua .:.:. ~ [He the sunshine] says: *OK *I TRY Gĩߧǿņ™=劫神 says: *anything lar if u really hurt ur leg i dunno u lor-.- ~ .:.:. aH Hua .:.:. ~ [He the sunshine] says: *broke better *LOL

love sssLollipopsss

hehehehehhehehhehehehe....

i brought about 20 lollipops from school today... am i crazy? LOL.. and ytd i brought some sweet also.. pn er saw me brought sweets for 2 days liao.. hahaha then she called my name.. SO LOUD.. like scolding me like that. i was shocked. the 1st thing i tot was .. i did passed up my homework rite? then she say.. "AUI YONG WEI HUA!! U AH.. YTD SEE U BUY THE SWEET!! TODAY BUY LOLLIPOP?!?! NOT GOOD 1 AH.. BAD FOR HEALTH.. " hahahahahah i was smiling all the way she warned me.. and that time so many ppl in front somemore!! cause clive is selling lollipop to me .. hahaha my class oni i buy.. ..... .... ... sometimes ppl think im crazy, like a guy who always eat lollipop in tuition.. and own self also trying to eat also.. y ah? i don understand.. and david says he is an idiot? T_T nvm.. its okay.. i did not make any move for him.. i just like him.. XD i wont emo anymore..

and about just now.. i went tuition.. hehehe.. bio tuition.. should be tuition with him.. but nah.. he go for later class.. so everytime after tuition, i WILL walk to bus stop XD so its far and can meet him on the way.. XD he come to tuition by train.. so... hehehe and then hor.. today i called my dad immediately after tuition.. then, im so happy that he asked me to walk to bus stop again!! heheh.. and then.. he also asked me to slowlyyyyy walk.. then i realy SLOWLY walk.. hahah.. but i slow until.. i reached 7/11 also i haven see him.. T.T was quite upset.. but NVM.. the bus stop is down there but i stay beside 7/11 LOL.. cause the place where the train ppl will walk pass ma.. then i keep waiting and waiting thr, i keep thinking bout him until i forgot bout he's coming!.. suddenly i looked up to the stairs.. and saw HIM!! i was too happy and i quickly take out my phone!! and pretend to text some one? and and when he walk nearer and nearer on the way to me.. i can hear my heart beat.. totally is ... wow.. can really listen to it clearly.. and my leg cramp again.. =.= its totally.. numb and .. cant move at all.. sigh.. is this the sign that i had a crush on him? or wat?

i wanna make this clear.

im happy. but i wont make any move anymore.. like the previous post.. even im frustrated. i will wait.. i will. because. im a scorpio.

Hate being frustrated.

u know, when u wan someone or something so desperately. and u don wanna bother the others and.. try not to get it BUT when u are so dam desperately to get it. .. the feelings. which is when im not satisfied and i hate being like that.

okay, i make it more specific.in my heart, i wan something so desperately, but i don wan it. i force myself not to get it. u understand? i hate that feeling.

but at the end. i wont get it too. failure rite? okay.. everytime. im just afraid. i dunno wat im afraid of. im just afraid. theres so many things for me to worry about. thats all. fullstop.

like like example, im emo, and i wanted someone to listen to me. and in my mind i just keep thinking bout the same thing. but i don feel like bothering them. cause i will make them emo with me also. so i never talk about it again. =.= i kept it to myself. and that feelings is killing me. im so frustrated.

its simple yet tough for me.

oh ya.. bout the .. um.. i told my parents that i don feel like taking tuition for 1 month. 1st, i told my mum, then, she answer like some how yes? then at night, i told my dad, i said can i don take tuition for 1 month? my dad answered:" then y ur brother can make it?" i was really speechless.. and mad and angry and that feeling is so dotzzz . and then he keep asking me why. so i say tired. and i say i wanna study myself. i say its too rush for me.. after school then straight tuition. then he say: u cannot give up 1.. like this then give up already..... omgawdddddd... im really no more hope to talk to him anymore la.. shit.. i feel like crying everytime i talk about this..

I STOP HERE!

Im not happy.

Now i know.

Im trying to hide. im trying to avoid them. im afraid. im scared. nowonder all these time i accept everthing which im afraid to resist. Im always the scaredy cat. I hate school. I mean i love school last year. but not this year. i suck. i cant face the truth. i cried. but the problems is not solve yet. im tired already. i try to sleep. every night and day. but still i can feel the pressure. its not going away. until i really do something on my shoulder. the burden is getting heavier everyday, u know. the part im happy in my life is just getting along with frens. i love my frens. well, i love my subjects. but i don like my school teachers. im afraid of them. i always didnt do homework and im scared they will scold me. actuali i study until forget to do my hw. and i actuali love to slack at home. i feel happy being at home. and when i talk bout this. i think of my std 1 life. omgawd, im a total failure during that time. im serious. during std 1, im in yuk chai school. its afternoon school la. so.. mostly is my nearby neighbour fetch me with his son. and everytime i leave my home. i look at my home from the windscreen. i feel so dam emotional! then i began to cry. EVERYDAY. and my parents went to school to see me when my fren called them to come. see me crying in the school =.= so embarrassing. now.. i had that feelings again. every morning. i feel like crying when leaving the home. am i childish? i don know y all these happening again? i don get it.

im not afraid of study. but im afraid of school. wth is that going to be? im sick. i wanna feel the freedom. i wanna let my shoulder relax for the 1st time. im not satisfied. im emo.

I need some one.

Stress out! Fatigue

Stress...............

im looking for a solution to solve this problem since the year 2009 started.. i knew it will end 1 day. which is year 2010 november. still a long way to go.. clock is ticking and im not resting everyday, every minute, every second. homework is a killer and school no longer fun. im sick.. unlike other smart people. im a lazy and dumb student. cant make it. i can still remember how i wanted to be in pure sci so desperately and frustrated. once i got in.. i was so happy. but the pressure.. is killing me. i never give up. not until next year november. im gonna make it. i told myself. but im half dead RIGHT NOW. parent don seem to be more likely understandable. (i dunno wat im typing) and they are like cops. just judge things when there are prove. im like a wanted person. always caught me slacking around in the house. but they do not see wat i did in school. they do not see how much effort i put in. they do not deserve it. when they look at the marks i get. wow.. im so dead. even i failed 1 subject, others failed 5. they say don look at others. look at your classmate. see how did they do. oh my goodness. my class is those smart and hardworking student and u compared me with them! i said im lazy and dumb! but they will argue saying why aint u not hardworking enough? owh.. fuck off. im sick of these. i pressure my self to pass all subject ya know? i stressed myself to go tuition and is actually pay attention for every class i attended! u don have the eye to see me how stressful it is and u just fcuk everything up? im not angry when im trying to say this. just wanna let it all out. i kept this for like .. since i had my highschool life. omgawd. its really killing me when u're not supporting me u know.. i don know why. i don understand. u will think im still a young, naive girl. not even mature yet. and u were yelling at me not to facebook, not to upload photos on the web. not to twitter. which everyone know ur secret. not to blog. ppl will find out bout ur life. oooo.. so wat? i keep all to myself? im gonna be sooooo dead.

im really out. i wanna runaway 1 day. 1 day is enough. i wanna be alone. really alone. leave me alone. i wanna enjoy that day. i wanna relax. clear my mind. before i can really move on on my lfie again. i need to chillax. leave stress behind. i need a brighter future. i hope alot. i wish alot.. i hope God will help. and i know He will. so i tried my best. i know they nag and yell at me is good. and im not good enough. but everyone is not perfect. i also don wanna be perfect. but i wanna be consistent. i wanna find one day. but how? i wanna runaway one day. but i cant.

Don't wanna think about you - Simple Plan

Can You Leave Me Here Alone Now
I Don't Wanna Hear You Say
That You Know Me
That I Should Be Always Doing What You Say
Cause I'm Trying To Get Through Today
And Theres One Thing I Know
I Don't Wanna Think About You
Think About Me
Don't Wanna Figure This Out
Don't Wanna Think About You
Think About Nothing
Don't Wanna Talk This One Out
Wont Let You Bring Me Down
Cause I Know
I Don't Wanna Think About You
Dont Wanna Think About You
When I Wake Up Here Tomorrow
Things Will Never Be The Same
'Cause I Won't Wait
You Won't Change
And You'll Always Be This Way
I'm Going To Get Through Today
'Cause I Know
I Don't Wanna Think About You
Think About Me
Don't Wanna Figure This Out
Don't Wanna Think About You
Think About Nothing
Don't Wanna Talk This One Out
This Time I Wont Let You Bring Me Down
Won't Let You Shut Me Out
This Time I Know
I Don't Wanna Think About You
Runaway, Runnaway
I'm Running As Fast As I Can
Runaway, Runaway
I'll Never Come Back Again
Runaway, Runaway
Don't Wanna Think About You
Think About Me
Don't Wanna Figure This Out
Don't Wanna Think About You
Think About Me
Don't Wanna Talk This One OuT
I Don't Wanna Think About You
Think About Me
Don't Wanna Figure This Out
Don't Wanna Think About You
Think About Nothing
Don't Wanna Talk This One Out
This Time I Wont Let You Bring Me Down
Won't Let You Shut Me Out
This Time I Know
I Don't Wanna Think About You
Runaway Runaway
Don't Wanna Think About You
Runaway Runaway
Don't Wanna Think About You
Runaway Runaway
Don't Wanna Think About You
Runaway Runaway
Don't Wanna Think About You.

Please guide me!

Haiz

Nothing gonna be so easy.

~ .:.:. aH Hua .:.:. ~ [He the sunshine] says:
*my fren told me something ytd
*he is true.. i mean..
*bout lollipop
‡†Hoong™†‡ - √ір™ says:
*Huh?
*Wat true bout lollipop
~ .:.:. aH Hua .:.:. ~ [He the sunshine] says:
*um
*as in
*i don need him
‡†Hoong™†‡ - √ір™ says:
*Hmmm
*Really?
~ .:.:. aH Hua .:.:. ~ [He the sunshine] says:
*i don know
*im not sure wat i wan
*oi
*u thr?
‡†Hoong™†‡ - √ір™ says:
*Ya...
~ .:.:. aH Hua .:.:. ~ [He the sunshine] says:
*then u und me?
‡†Hoong™†‡ - √ір™ says:
*But without him u so miss him...
~ .:.:. aH Hua .:.:. ~ [He the sunshine] says:
*Lol
*thats why i dunno
‡†Hoong™†‡ - √ір™ says:
*U dun wanna pakto but u wan him
~ .:.:. aH Hua .:.:. ~ [He the sunshine] says:
*i miss him every day but the feeling .. dunno where it go
*yalo.. i don wan go pakto with him 1st some more
‡†Hoong™†‡ - √ір™ says:
*No miss him d?
~ .:.:. aH Hua .:.:. ~ [He the sunshine] says:
*ghot
*got
*but..
*not desperate lor..
*i think i know wat i wan gua
‡†Hoong™†‡ - √ір™ says:
*Wat u wan?
*Just be fren wif him
~ .:.:. aH Hua .:.:. ~ [He the sunshine] says:
*i guess so
*i dunno..
*LO
*LOL
*i tot i know
*but actuali i dunno
*haha
‡†Hoong™†‡ - √ір™ says:
*-.-
~ .:.:. aH Hua .:.:. ~ [He the sunshine] says:
*i think im tired
*so i don wan?
*i still dunno wat i wan
‡†Hoong™†‡ - √ір™ says:
*But u keep missing him?

*I almost the same
~ .:.:. aH Hua .:.:. ~ [He the sunshine] says:
*so how?
‡†Hoong™†‡ - √ір™ says:
*I wan her but she dun wan
~ .:.:. aH Hua .:.:. ~ [He the sunshine] says:
*wat should i do?
‡†Hoong™†‡ - √ір™ says:
*See wat u wan lorh
~ .:.:. aH Hua .:.:. ~ [He the sunshine] says:
*ok
*und
*i need time
*i don wanna hurt him
‡†Hoong™†‡ - √ір™ says:
*...
*Hurt him now itz better but i dunno la
~ .:.:. aH Hua .:.:. ~ [He the sunshine] says:
*LOL
‡†Hoong™†‡ - √ір™ says:
*If u wanna couple wif him then continue like now lo
~ .:.:. aH Hua .:.:. ~ [He the sunshine] says:
*wthh? i now just be fren with him oni.. never move on oso
‡†Hoong™†‡ - √ір™ says:
*If not then better make urself stop
~ .:.:. aH Hua .:.:. ~ [He the sunshine] says:
*ok
*und
‡†Hoong™†‡ - √ір™ says:
*Cuz u will cannot stop one
~ .:.:. aH Hua .:.:. ~ [He the sunshine] says:
*stop wat?
‡†Hoong™†‡ - √ір™ says:
*The feeling of wanting him

yea.. i wan him.. but now i don? wthhh.. i don get it..

after this conversation:

						no dear you do not NEED one then wat i wan? you're lookin for companionship, but dont go and find a guy just because u need a guy that makes u desperate, and gives the guy more power over u just because you're lonely doesnt mean u need a bf i mean.. i know exactly how u feel.. find a good friend. let it develope und it wont work out if u decide u like a total stranger i think i get it cause.. the relationship is goin to be weird yea being a good friend first.. and if u find u like each oder..den move on understand

i don know wat to do next..

Could u lead me another way out?